Yesterday, the counselor at the middle school in CO where most of my children attended (until we moved to Texas) passed away tragically from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. This has devastated the community that we called home for so many years. This counselor was well-loved and had positively impacted many, many lives in the 15 years that he worked in the school district. He had helped so many students during their own dark times to find the light again. He will be greatly missed. He leaves behind a wife and two children.
Losing anyone we love to death is heart-breaking and hard to deal with, but losing someone to suicide adds another layer. Not only do we mourn the loss of the one we loved, but we may be left with feelings of regret, guilt, and anger.
I read many posts when Robin Williams died. One post in particular called him selfish to take his own life. I think one of the mistakes we make, as we try to make sense out of a senseless situation, is projecting our own life experiences onto someone else. We wonder how anyone could leave his or her spouse, children, parents, etc. We try to assign our own feelings to someone else. We simply cannot do that. Of course, anyone in his right mind would never, ever subject his loved ones to the pain and agony that comes with losing a loved one. No one would ever want to thrust feelings of guilt and remorse on the people he loved most.
But that's the thing. Someone who is in the frame of mind to take his own life, isn't in the same frame of mind as someone who isn't. He is not thinking rationally. He is not thinking about the long-term effects. He is not thinking about what his death will mean for those around him. Or perhaps he thinks life without him will be better for his loved ones. At any rate, we who are not suffering in this way cannot assign our own frame of reference to someone who is. We do not know what someone else is going through, We do not know the pain or the suffering or the agony that person may be enduring, even if that person appears to be fine.
Robin Williams seemed to have it all. Fame, fortune, an adoring fan base. The counselor at school lived his life to help others navigate treacherous waters of sadness and depression. He was married, had children, had a steady job, and lived in a beautiful subdivision. He was not on the radar as someone who was in desperate need of help, at least not to the general public.
We all have "stuff." We all have trials we've lived through. Some of those trials have been more public than others. Some of us share our trials and some of us don't. Some of us know when to seek help. Others don't. Some of us hide pain on a daily basis.
We cannot stand in judgment of those who end their lives, because we are not them. We do not know what is in their minds or in their hearts. Only a loving Heavenly Father can do that. We cannot condemn them to an everlasting hell because that is not our job or our role. We cannot judge others, because we do not know their hearts, their desires, their intents. We only know our own.
Suicide is still a taboo subject. We don't talk about it. Those who've been affected by it may feel a stigma and feel that the death of their loved one is different than a death from a car accident or an illness. They may feel shame and embarrassment because our society earmarks suicide as something "different" and it makes people uncomfortable to speak about it. And the cycle continues. We see suicide as something different, so those affected feel different. However the death occurred, it is still a death. People have lost a loved one. They are in pain. They are suffering. It doesn't matter how that loved one died. We need to offer support, love, and sympathy to those affected.
Suicide can also incite deep guilt because the death could have been prevented. We feel helpless and wonder what we could have done. But we cannot play the blame game. "Why didn't I see it?" "Why didn't I go talk to her?" "Why didn't I call the doctor?" "What if I'd gone to see him that day?" "What if I'd put that gun away?" "What if I'd been a better husband, wife, brother, sister, mother, father, friend?" Most of the time, those who have determined to commit suicide have thought about it and kept it a secret from those closest to them. It does no good to immerse ourselves in guilt.
What can we do? What can we learn? Maybe to be a little kinder. To be a little softer. To remember that we have no idea what someone is going through. We see what others want us to see, because people hide the dark parts of themselves. People hide the pain. The suffering.
We need to love one another. We need to be gentler. We need to treat others the way we want to be treated. We need to help those we meet along our path. We need to leave the world better than we found it. We need to reach out and comfort each other. Be patient with each other. Remember that we are all struggling along this path of life. Just because we don't have the same struggles, or just because we haven't made those struggles public, does not mean we don't have them.
Suicide affects all of us in a profound way. Some of us are affected more intimately than others. True healing comes from God. From trusting in His love and allowing Him to comfort us in these times. We may not be able to understand why someone would commit suicide, but we can do a better job of talking about it and allowing those who've been the most affected to feel our love and compassion. We can do a better job of not casting aspersions on those who commit suicide and alienating their loved ones. We can do a better job of loving each other.
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Friday, October 28, 2011
Those with Special Needs Are Not Burdens
My daughter's high school English class had a discussion about people with special needs after reading, "Of Mice and Men." The question posed to the class was whether or not people with disabilities are burdens.
My very tender-hearted daughter, who spent 2 years in middle school working with kids with special needs, was astonished to find so many in her class who believe those with disabilites really don't deserve to live. One girl was adamant that people with disabilites are like animals. Another girl believed they shouldn't be cared for. Others agreed that people with disabilites are complete burdens on everyone. My daughter was relieved that one young man pointed out that everyone in that room was a burden.
My guess is that none of those kids have ever worked with nor been around someone with special needs. How sad to have such a narrow view.
Are we raising our kids to see those who have challenges as nothing more than animals? Are we so focused on perfection that we relegate those who are "imperfect" to sub-human status? Do we consider those with challenges as burdens?
We like to think we've come so far when it comes to discrimination, but the truth is, there's still plenty of prejudice and ignorance to go around when it comes to people with special needs.
Let's teach our children the truth. We all have challenges. Some may be more visible than others, but we all have them. Let us be kind and and merciful when we encounter those who have disabilites. After all, however merciful we are to others, for whatever reason, is how merciful God will be with us.
My very tender-hearted daughter, who spent 2 years in middle school working with kids with special needs, was astonished to find so many in her class who believe those with disabilites really don't deserve to live. One girl was adamant that people with disabilites are like animals. Another girl believed they shouldn't be cared for. Others agreed that people with disabilites are complete burdens on everyone. My daughter was relieved that one young man pointed out that everyone in that room was a burden.
My guess is that none of those kids have ever worked with nor been around someone with special needs. How sad to have such a narrow view.
Are we raising our kids to see those who have challenges as nothing more than animals? Are we so focused on perfection that we relegate those who are "imperfect" to sub-human status? Do we consider those with challenges as burdens?
We like to think we've come so far when it comes to discrimination, but the truth is, there's still plenty of prejudice and ignorance to go around when it comes to people with special needs.
Let's teach our children the truth. We all have challenges. Some may be more visible than others, but we all have them. Let us be kind and and merciful when we encounter those who have disabilites. After all, however merciful we are to others, for whatever reason, is how merciful God will be with us.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
A Blue Rose
This is circulating on the internet. Thank you to my sister for passing it along to me. I do not know who wrote it, but this sweet story brought tears to my eyes and I wanted to share it with you. May we all acknowledge the blue roses around us.
A Blue Rose
Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went.
I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here."
It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?"
"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.
"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Steve."
"Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked. "
Yes," I answered. "How old are you, Denny?"
"How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle.
"You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by."
I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the center of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.
Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him.
I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.
She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who are you?"
Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God's garden."
She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had tears in my eyes.
May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don't turn your head and walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace of GOD, this mother or father could be you. This could be your child, grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family.
From an old dandelion!
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
"People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel!"
~ Anonymous ~
A Blue Rose
Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went.
I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here."
It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?"
"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.
"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Steve."
"Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked. "
Yes," I answered. "How old are you, Denny?"
"How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle.
"You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by."
I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the center of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.
Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him.
I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.
She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who are you?"
Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God's garden."
She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had tears in my eyes.
May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don't turn your head and walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace of GOD, this mother or father could be you. This could be your child, grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family.
From an old dandelion!
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
"People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel!"
~ Anonymous ~
Friday, February 11, 2011
Is Chivalry Dead?
We had a lesson on manners the other night and talked about what it means to have manners. I believe today that too many parents do not teach their kids even the simplest of manners like saying "please" and "thank you." And that's a shame.
Some years ago, I met with my daughter's middle school teachers for her end-of-the-school-year presentation. They remarked about how refreshing it was to have a student who said "please" and "thank you" and was polite. They said it wasn't often in their classrooms that someone was courteous and they appreciated that about my daughter. It made me feel good, but it also made me feel bad that my daughter's politeness stood out so. Why was it such a big deal that she was polite?
Unfortunately, I've seen the answer far too often. Kids don't say "thank you" when I give them a ride or go out of my way to help them. People aren't generally courteous or polite. People don't send out thank-you cards--well, except for my sister-in-law who sends out thank-you cards for thank-you cards and is the most polite and gracious person I know. My grandma insisted I write thank-you cards--a practice that was common in her day, so I still try to do that even when people tell me it isn't necessary.
As my kids have grown up, I've insisted that they say "thank you" and "please" even refusing to give them something or extend help until they asked politely. My youngest is learning to sign "please" and "thank you."
During our manners lesson we also discussed how the boys need to take extra care to help girls and women. They are to open the doors, pull out chairs, lift packages, and offer help whenever needed. I was happy to hear from my 13 -year-old that her older brother always opens the doors for her when they are together. Yay!
I shared stories of when I was 200 months pregnant with a cartload of kids and another cart filled with food and not one man would open the door for me to exit the grocery store nor would any offer to help me to the car--not even the men who worked at the store. Other times, I'd have to stand on public transportation even though I was visibly as big-as-a-barn because none of the men would give up their seats. I was always so shocked that men could watch me waddle and struggle to do something yet not offer any help.
When we were in Florida I was amazed to see men sit on the buses while older women stood in the aisles clinging to the rails. Once in a while I'd see a man offer his seat, but not often.
Why?
I think women have done this to themselves by demanding equal treatment. Instead of demanding better treatment from men, women have asked to be treated like men. There was a time when men honored women and treated them well, but not so much anymore. In fact, when my husband or sons have tried to open doors for women they've been chastised. Perhaps, that it why so many men have learned not to be chivalrous. But I can't help thinking we've lost something along the way. I'm thankful that my husband learned to treat women with respect and kindness and that he continues to be chivalrous. He will always come to the aid of a woman, especially me. He never allows me to carry heavy boxes, he opens my doors, and he treats me with respect. I want my sons to do the same.
This morning, before school, we were reading some stories out of the Friend magazine about people helping others. My 7-year-old shared how she'd helped an older lady. I told her that we should always help others. She replied, "Especially when there are no men around." Guess she got my point :).
Whether it's politically correct or not, I will continue to teach my boys to be chivalrous and I will insist that my children have manners and are polite.
Some years ago, I met with my daughter's middle school teachers for her end-of-the-school-year presentation. They remarked about how refreshing it was to have a student who said "please" and "thank you" and was polite. They said it wasn't often in their classrooms that someone was courteous and they appreciated that about my daughter. It made me feel good, but it also made me feel bad that my daughter's politeness stood out so. Why was it such a big deal that she was polite?
Unfortunately, I've seen the answer far too often. Kids don't say "thank you" when I give them a ride or go out of my way to help them. People aren't generally courteous or polite. People don't send out thank-you cards--well, except for my sister-in-law who sends out thank-you cards for thank-you cards and is the most polite and gracious person I know. My grandma insisted I write thank-you cards--a practice that was common in her day, so I still try to do that even when people tell me it isn't necessary.
As my kids have grown up, I've insisted that they say "thank you" and "please" even refusing to give them something or extend help until they asked politely. My youngest is learning to sign "please" and "thank you."
During our manners lesson we also discussed how the boys need to take extra care to help girls and women. They are to open the doors, pull out chairs, lift packages, and offer help whenever needed. I was happy to hear from my 13 -year-old that her older brother always opens the doors for her when they are together. Yay!
I shared stories of when I was 200 months pregnant with a cartload of kids and another cart filled with food and not one man would open the door for me to exit the grocery store nor would any offer to help me to the car--not even the men who worked at the store. Other times, I'd have to stand on public transportation even though I was visibly as big-as-a-barn because none of the men would give up their seats. I was always so shocked that men could watch me waddle and struggle to do something yet not offer any help.
When we were in Florida I was amazed to see men sit on the buses while older women stood in the aisles clinging to the rails. Once in a while I'd see a man offer his seat, but not often.
Why?
I think women have done this to themselves by demanding equal treatment. Instead of demanding better treatment from men, women have asked to be treated like men. There was a time when men honored women and treated them well, but not so much anymore. In fact, when my husband or sons have tried to open doors for women they've been chastised. Perhaps, that it why so many men have learned not to be chivalrous. But I can't help thinking we've lost something along the way. I'm thankful that my husband learned to treat women with respect and kindness and that he continues to be chivalrous. He will always come to the aid of a woman, especially me. He never allows me to carry heavy boxes, he opens my doors, and he treats me with respect. I want my sons to do the same.
This morning, before school, we were reading some stories out of the Friend magazine about people helping others. My 7-year-old shared how she'd helped an older lady. I told her that we should always help others. She replied, "Especially when there are no men around." Guess she got my point :).
Whether it's politically correct or not, I will continue to teach my boys to be chivalrous and I will insist that my children have manners and are polite.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friends
Friends are an important part of our lives, especially when we are teenagers. As I think back to my teenage years, I attribute much of my activity in the Church to my friends. When I was in 7th grade, I was invited to attend Mutual by Michelle. She encouraged me to come to Mutual and participate in the activities and she befriended me. She always made me feel comfortable and part of the group. To this day, we are still friends and I’m very thankful she invited me to attend Mutual.
Michelle moved to Utah when we entered high school so I became friends with a boy named Robbie and a girl named Kate. Robbie was a few years older than me, but he and I spent many hours together discussing the gospel. He never made me feel stupid because I knew so little about the gospel.
My friend Kate stuck by me through thick and thin in high school. We talked about everything and she, and her family, allowed me to see an active LDS family in real time. Kate encouraged me to keep the commandments and was my escort at the temple when I received my own endowments. Kate’s life has since taken a different direction and though we aren’t close anymore, I’m so thankful for the time she spent with me and will always be grateful for her influence in my life.
Friends should always encourage us to be better and to do the right thing. “They will greatly influence how [we] think and act, and even help determine the person [we] will become” (For the Strength of Youth, p. 12).
My children have friends who live very different lives from them and have completely different value systems. Yet, their friends still encourage them to keep their standards. When my son was offered alcohol, his friend immediately jumped in to say that my son didn’t drink alcohol. My daughter has a friend that’s a Buddhist. Though they disagree on many core beliefs, this friend has defended my daughter’s beliefs over and over again. He has always supported her and encouraged her to follow her values.
Sometimes, we advocate that our kids only find friends that are LDS. While we want our children to choose friends wisely, if we shut ourselves off from others who aren’t of our faith how will we spread the gospel message? My kids’ friends may not be interested in the gospel today, but when they think of their friendships with my kids, hopefully, they will see the Church in a positive light and perhaps somewhere down the road they will be interested enough to investigate.
“To have good friends, be a good friend yourself. Show interest in others and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect. Go out of your way to be a friend to those who are shy or do not feel included” (For the Strength of Youth, p. 12). Of course, the most important reason to attend church is to partake of the sacrament and strengthen our testimonies, but we can have a dramatic effect on others if we extend our friendship and make sure they feel included. A good friend can be the means of helping others to not only find the Church, but to remain active in it.
Return to the neighborhood.
And while you're there, subscribe to our fantastic newsletter. Welcome to the yourLDSneighborhood newsletter. In addition to being able to shop in the new virtual neighborhood, the LDS newsletter brings you LDS articles, LDS products, LDS services, LDS resources and LDS interviews from around the world—all with an LDS focus. Look for issues delivered to your email inbox every week on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. LDS Newsletter Subscriptions are FREE, and joining is easy.
Michelle moved to Utah when we entered high school so I became friends with a boy named Robbie and a girl named Kate. Robbie was a few years older than me, but he and I spent many hours together discussing the gospel. He never made me feel stupid because I knew so little about the gospel.
My friend Kate stuck by me through thick and thin in high school. We talked about everything and she, and her family, allowed me to see an active LDS family in real time. Kate encouraged me to keep the commandments and was my escort at the temple when I received my own endowments. Kate’s life has since taken a different direction and though we aren’t close anymore, I’m so thankful for the time she spent with me and will always be grateful for her influence in my life.
Friends should always encourage us to be better and to do the right thing. “They will greatly influence how [we] think and act, and even help determine the person [we] will become” (For the Strength of Youth, p. 12).
My children have friends who live very different lives from them and have completely different value systems. Yet, their friends still encourage them to keep their standards. When my son was offered alcohol, his friend immediately jumped in to say that my son didn’t drink alcohol. My daughter has a friend that’s a Buddhist. Though they disagree on many core beliefs, this friend has defended my daughter’s beliefs over and over again. He has always supported her and encouraged her to follow her values.
Sometimes, we advocate that our kids only find friends that are LDS. While we want our children to choose friends wisely, if we shut ourselves off from others who aren’t of our faith how will we spread the gospel message? My kids’ friends may not be interested in the gospel today, but when they think of their friendships with my kids, hopefully, they will see the Church in a positive light and perhaps somewhere down the road they will be interested enough to investigate.
“To have good friends, be a good friend yourself. Show interest in others and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect. Go out of your way to be a friend to those who are shy or do not feel included” (For the Strength of Youth, p. 12). Of course, the most important reason to attend church is to partake of the sacrament and strengthen our testimonies, but we can have a dramatic effect on others if we extend our friendship and make sure they feel included. A good friend can be the means of helping others to not only find the Church, but to remain active in it.
Return to the neighborhood.
And while you're there, subscribe to our fantastic newsletter. Welcome to the yourLDSneighborhood newsletter. In addition to being able to shop in the new virtual neighborhood, the LDS newsletter brings you LDS articles, LDS products, LDS services, LDS resources and LDS interviews from around the world—all with an LDS focus. Look for issues delivered to your email inbox every week on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. LDS Newsletter Subscriptions are FREE, and joining is easy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)