Building Relationships with Our Kids

"Emotional connections between parents and young children are so essential for the child's development and mental health that disruption of parent-child attachment is considered a risk factor for early development" (Bowlby 1969, 1980; Ainsworth, et al., 1978; Greenspan, 1985).

I couldn't agree more. I'm sure this won't be very popular, but I truly believe that pre-school is detrimental for children.

For years, educators have insisted that all children should be enrolled in pre-school and that those of us who do not enroll our children in pre-school do a serious disservice to our kids. I completely and wholeheartedly disagree.

In my experience, children enrolled in pre-school do not do better and, in fact, most have serious struggles because that emotional connection was severed at such an early age. I've been a mother long enough and seen enough to say that I firmly believe that the relationship we develop with our children from birth to age 8 is the foundation for the relationship we have with them when they are teenagers.

I also believe that if we want to have an influence on our children when they are going through the tumultuous teen years we must establish and nurture that relationship when they are babies and toddlers.

Sending young children off to pre-school compels them to establish a relationship with their teacher instead of with their parents. It isn't about quality time, it's about quantity. I think we've been lulled by the politically correct term "quality time" into thinking if we give our kids 30 minutes of focused time a day that will somehow be enough. It is not. Young children want quantity. They want to know mom is there all the time because this is the time that they form the strong bonds that will call them back when they are teenagers.

Emotional connections with our children are imperative. If those connections are disrupted problems occur. Look around and see how many teens are drinking regularly, doing drugs, and are sexually active at 12-14. It's astonishing. How many families are struggling with problems with their teens? I believe it goes back to the relationship established when they were very young.

We have one chance to be a parent. Time goes by so fast and our lives slip away before we know it. Children grow from babies to young adults in warp speed. I believe that if we want to avoid many of the problems plaguing our kids, and even our society, we, as parents, need to step up to the plate. We need to focus the bulk of our time on raising and teaching our children. We need to establish emotional connections with them when they are young. We need to realize that, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home," (David O. McKay) and nothing we do will ever be more important than what we do within the walls of our own homes.

Keeping a child at home with a loving, nurturing relationship will do far more for him than any pre-school. Learning to read can wait, but building a relationship cannot. We need to take time to build relationships with our children and when we do, we'll see the fruits of our labors when we need it most.

My Choice to Stay Home

After I had my first child, I told an old college roommate that I planned to stay home and take care of him. She replied, “How totally boring. You’re just going to stay home? I can’t imagine being stuck like that.”

Now, ten children later, I do not regret that decision. In fact, I have never regretted choosing to stay home with my children. People wonder how we can afford to raise so many children on one income. The answer is simple. Heavenly Father has blessed us to be able to do so. For me, staying home with my children has always been about exercising faith—not just about being able to financially do so, but also that my staying home will benefit my children.

I vividly remember struggling financially early in my married life. I’d graduated with a bachelor’s degree and it seemed like the answer was for me to go to work. Yet, my husband and I had made the commitment to keep me home. Faith preceded the miracle. Once we put our faith in Heavenly Father and then had a trial of that faith, he blessed us. And he’s continued to bless us in so many ways.

Over the years, I’ve received comments about the decision to stay home. My grandfather, who raised me, told me on several different occasions that I was wasting my life raising a bunch of kids. He said, “If I’d known you were going to waste your education raising kids I would never have encouraged you to go to college.” I don’t see my education as wasted at all. In fact, I believe my education has made me a better mother.

I have a solid testimony of following the counsel to stay home and raise my children. I shudder to think how my youngest son would be doing if I were not home with him reading to him, talking to him, playing with him, and encouraging him to strengthen his muscles. It’s a fact that no one cares more about my children than my husband and I do. It’s also a fact that no one can better serve my children, especially my youngest son, than I can as I stay home.

It is a privilege and honor for me to be a wife and mother. I have never wanted anything else. Perhaps, it’s because I felt cheated as a child since my parents died when I was so young. Maybe it’s because I always wanted a big family like the Brady Bunch when I was growing up. Whatever the reason, I am so thankful each and every day that Heavenly Father has blessed me with a large family and that he has blessed me with the opportunity to be able to stay home and raise them.

I do not judge those who make a different decision than I have. Everybody has to make their own decision when it comes to staying home. Not everyone is in a position to do so and it’s not my place to stand in judgment of anyone’s decision because I have not walked in anyone else’s shoes. I do believe wholeheartedly that if moms have the desire to stay home and are willing to put their faith in Heavenly Father, he will provide a way. I’ve learned in my life that Heavenly Father always provides a way to accomplish a righteous desire and staying home to raise a family is certainly a righteous desire.

I love being a mother. I love watching the kids play together. I love seeing their first steps, hearing their first words, and listening to them when they first begin to read. I love the choking hugs and sloppy kisses. I love to eat (well, maybe not all the time) sandwiches made by my 5-year-old. I love to listen to them interact with each other and play games together. While I don’t enjoy the fighting, whining, or complaining, I love to see them realize they’ve done something wrong and apologize for it. I love to hear them bear their testimonies and explain points of the gospel. I love to watch them develop their talents and share those talents with others. I love to see them serve each other and those around them.

Of course, being a mom isn’t all sunshine and roses and I’ve certainly experienced some hard times, but all in all, I don’t regret my decision to be a mom or to stay home with my kids. It may not be easy, but it is definitely worth it. I have no doubt that our families will bring us the greatest joy.

Return to the neighborhood.

And while you're there, subscribe to our fantastic newsletter. In addition to being able to shop in the new virtual neighborhood, our newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources and interviews from around the world—all with an LDS focus. Look for issues delivered to your email inbox every week on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.

Neighborhood Newsletter Subscriptions are FREE, and joining is easy.