Here are some tiny bits of wisdom I've gleaned lately:
If you have any kind of writing utensil anywhere in the house, your child will find it and proceed to draw on himself, the couch, the wall, the door, the books, and the carpet. Especially favored are the darker colors on the lighter backgrounds.
When feeding a young child spaghetti be sure to remove all clothing since more spaghetti will appear on said child than in that child.
After spaghetti dinners, remember to only remove the diaper immediately before setting child in bathtub because if you remove it with any lag time (like waiting for the water to warm up) you will most likely have more than water on the floor.
Asking small children to not splash while in the tub really means "splash all you want and if you can hit the wall across the bathroom with the water, you win." They especially like it if they can completely soak Mom in the process.
As my friend, Coolwhip, would agree toilet water is not lethal. In fact, it doesn't even make a child sick, it only makes Mom sick.
Never allow a small child to play with a cellphone that has not had service in 5 years (but was powered on by Mom because the child wanted to play with the ringtones that still work) because that child can, in fact, dial 911 and reach a real, live 911operator who won't be pleased that it wasn't an actual call. And if that child hands you the phone and says, "A lady on the phone has an emergency," don't use your silly voice thinking you're only playing a game. After apologizing profusely to the unhappy operator, promptly remove the battery from the phone.
Most importantly, have a sense of humor while raising children because if you don't laugh, you'll cry.