My Thoughts on Suicide

Yesterday, the counselor at the middle school in CO where most of my children attended (until we moved to Texas) passed away tragically from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. This has devastated the community that we called home for so many years. This counselor was well-loved and had positively impacted many, many lives in the 15 years that he worked in the school district. He had helped so many students during their own dark times to find the light again. He will be greatly missed. He leaves behind a wife and two children.

Losing anyone we love to death is heart-breaking and hard to deal with, but losing someone to suicide adds another layer. Not only do we mourn the loss of the one we loved, but we may be left with feelings of regret, guilt, and anger.

I read many posts when Robin Williams died. One post in particular called him selfish to take his own life. I think one of the mistakes we make, as we try to make sense out of a senseless situation, is projecting our own life experiences onto someone else. We wonder how anyone could leave his or her spouse, children, parents, etc. We try to assign our own feelings to someone else. We simply cannot do that. Of course, anyone in his right mind would never, ever subject his loved ones to the pain and agony that comes with losing a loved one. No one would ever want to thrust feelings of guilt and remorse on the people he loved most.

But that's the thing. Someone who is in the frame of mind to take his own life, isn't in the same frame of mind as someone who isn't. He is not thinking rationally. He is not thinking about the long-term effects. He is not thinking about what his death will mean for those around him. Or perhaps he thinks life without him will be better for his loved ones. At any rate, we who are not suffering in this way cannot assign our own frame of reference to someone who is. We do not know what someone else is going through, We do not know the pain or the suffering or the agony that person may be enduring, even if that person appears to be fine.

Robin Williams seemed to have it all. Fame, fortune, an adoring fan base. The counselor at school lived his life to help others navigate treacherous waters of sadness and depression. He was married, had children, had a steady job, and lived in a beautiful subdivision. He was not on the radar as someone who was in desperate need of help, at least not to the general public.

We all have "stuff." We all have trials we've lived through. Some of those trials have been more public than others. Some of us share our trials and some of us don't. Some of us know when to seek help. Others don't. Some of us hide pain on a daily basis.

We cannot stand in judgment of those who end their lives, because we are not them. We do not know what is in their minds or in their hearts. Only a loving Heavenly Father can do that. We cannot condemn them to an everlasting hell because that is not our job or our role. We cannot judge others, because we do not know their hearts, their desires, their intents. We only know our own.

Suicide is still a taboo subject. We don't talk about it. Those who've been affected by it may feel a stigma and feel that the death of their loved one is different than a death from a car accident or an illness. They may feel shame and embarrassment because our society earmarks suicide as something "different" and it makes people uncomfortable to speak about it. And the cycle continues. We see suicide as something different, so those affected feel different. However the death occurred, it is still a death. People have lost a loved one. They are in pain. They are suffering. It doesn't matter how that loved one died. We need to offer support, love, and sympathy to those affected.

Suicide can also incite deep guilt because the death could have been prevented. We feel helpless and wonder what we could have done. But we cannot play the blame game. "Why didn't I see it?" "Why didn't I go talk to her?" "Why didn't I call the doctor?" "What if I'd gone to see him that day?" "What if I'd put that gun away?" "What if I'd been a better husband, wife, brother, sister, mother, father, friend?" Most of the time, those who have determined to commit suicide have thought about it and kept it a secret from those closest to them. It does no good to immerse ourselves in guilt.

What can we do? What can we learn? Maybe to be a little kinder. To be a little softer. To remember that we have no idea what someone is going through. We see what others want us to see, because people hide the dark parts of themselves. People hide the pain. The suffering.

We need to love one another. We need to be gentler. We need to treat others the way we want to be treated. We need to help those we meet along our path. We need to leave the world better than we found it. We need to reach out and comfort each other. Be patient with each other. Remember that we are all struggling along this path of life. Just because we don't have the same struggles, or just because we haven't made those struggles public, does not mean we don't have them.

Suicide affects all of us in a profound way. Some of us are affected more intimately than others. True healing comes from God. From trusting in His love and allowing Him to comfort us in these times. We may not be able to understand why someone would commit suicide, but we can do a better job of talking about it and allowing those who've been the most affected to feel our love and compassion. We can do a better job of not casting aspersions on those who commit suicide and alienating their loved ones. We can do a better job of loving each other.

Life is Fragile

My oldest son graduated from high school in 2005. In the last few weeks, two of his classmates have passed away. One died from blood clots in her lungs. I did not know her but feel sad for her family and friends. She was only 24.

The second classmate, Tyler Black, who died over the weekend in a single-engine plane crash on his way to Aspen, I did know. He was in the theater program with my son. He was quite thin and for one of the dance shows he was dressed up as Superman and did some hilarious dance moves. I don't even remember who else was onstage with him because he was so funny he stole the scene. My son was cast as Captain Hook in Peter Pan during his senior year. Tyler was cast as his sidekick, Smee. Tyler played this character so well. He was creepy yet endearing. He and my son made a great combination on stage. Since that time, I often saw Tyler in the audience at various performances supporting his friends.

Tyler's mother has been the choir teacher at our middle school for many years. She's taught most of my kids and was especially encouraging with one of my daughters inviting her to perform in a song competition. She's worked hard to help kids in middle school learn to sing. I cannot imagine the despair she feels at this time.

I have lost both my parents, my maternal grandparents who raised me after my parents died, my paternal grandfather, my sister-in-law, and a very close family friend. Losing a loved one is so painful. My grandmother often said that losing a child was the worst possible pain. I think that the day my mother died, part of my grandfather died with her. He said several times he wanted to jump in the coffin with her. So heartbreaking.

I am thankful for the plan of happiness and to know, really know, that life does not end with death. Though it is very painful to lose someone, death is simply a step in our eternal progression. It is this knowledge that has allowed me to go forward in mortality. I know I will see those I've loved and lost. And I know they are never very far from me.

I don't think the pain of losing someone ever fully disappears, but it isn't that sharp, stabbing pain as time goes on. I still miss those I've lost to death. And I become emotional when I speak about them, but I have faith I will be with them again someday.

Life is very fragile. We never know what will happen. Tyler had no idea that this plane trip would be his last or that his post on FB before boarding that plane would be his last. His family had no idea. We must make each day count. We must love each other. We must forgive. We must let go of anger and grudges. We must let those we love know that we love them. Every day.

We never know when it will be the last goodbye. I still remember vividly the day my father left for work and I got up to tell him goodbye, something I didn't usually do. I even ran to my bedroom window to watch his car leave the subdivision. It was the last time I saw him.

I hope that the families of these two young people will find some comfort. I hope they will feel the arms of the Lord wrapped around them as they trudge through life without their loved ones. And I hope that we will find joy with those who are yet alive. That we will take the time, especially during this season, to right any wrongs and to let those we love know that we love them because life is so very fragile.

My Heart Hurts

I learned that a woman I love passed away today from breast cancer. She was such a good person and treated me with so much kindness. I loved to be around her and her vibrant spirit. Her daughter and I served together in YW and then in Primary. She was our in-service leader for Primary and I always enjoyed her lessons. She loved to laugh and whenever she entered the room it brightened just from her presence. I will miss her.

I get the whole mortality thing, that we all have a time to live and a time to die, but that doesn't make it any easier when someone you love leaves mortality. I still miss my father, mother, grandparents, sister-in-law, and friends that have passed away. I guess it's meant to be that way. Maybe it's how we feel in the pre-existence when others are born into mortality.

Death is as much a part of the plan as birth. Mortality is a probationary, temporary time of testing to see if we'll choose to follow the Savior. How we live in mortality determines how we'll live in eternity. I have a testimony of this and of the plan. I have no doubt that my friend is in a better place and she no longer suffers from her physical afflictions.

But today my heart hurts.

Farrah and Michael

I was saddened by the news that Farrah Fawcett passed away yesterday. She was such a gorgeous woman. I totally remember her poster in that red swimsuit. I remember her hair--I had my hair just like that in high school. I remember thinking that when I turned 30 I'd have to get the "grandma hairdo" until I started watching Charlie's Angels and realized they were all about 30 and had long, luscious hair. (For the record, I'm a bit past 30 now and still have long hair). I loved Farrah's smile--it was so bright and beautiful. I grew up watching her. She was diagnosed with cancer about the same time as my sister-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Sadly, my sister-in-law succumbed after a valiant year-long battle. I had so hoped Farrah would beat it.

I was completely stunned by the news that Michael Jackson also died yesterday. Wow. Didn't expect that at all. I totally grew up with him. I remember him singing with the Jackson 5. I remember Ben, Beat It, Billy Jean, Rock with You. I remember being in my apartment at BYU when Thriller debuted and how exciting it was to watch the world premiere. Michael Jackson was on fire. Then he just got so . . . weird. It was sad, really, to watch his descent into bizarreness. He was so talented, gifted, and now that seems to be overshadowed by an ape, accusations, a dangling baby, a disintegrating face, strange marriages, surgical masks. He was so creative and, what a dancer--he had moves, man. I'm still in shock that he died. He wasn't much older than me (maybe I'm more than a bit past 30).

I found it interesting that Larry King said he'd planned a show about Farrah's passing but that was being tossed out in favor of a show on Michael. Our society is warped. How can one person's life be deemed so much more valuable than someone else's? Doesn't Farrah also deserve recognition for her life?

Both Farrah and Michael had fame, fortune, and the world at their feet. Yet, neither of them seemed to be truly happy. They both seemed so lost, so confused. They both had tumultuous personal lives filled with trials and tribulations, most of it plastered on tabloids for the world to view.

It's true. Money can' t buy happiness. Fame can't buy happiness. Material things can't buy happiness.

I hope that in death both Farrah and Michael will now find the peace and joy that seemed to elude them in life.

Change is Constant

Nothing is as constant as change.

Throughout our lives, we encounter change. It’s a natural part of mortality. Some of these changes we embrace and others we’d prefer to avoid. Sometimes, we can choose the changes and other times we cannot. But, we can always choose how we will react to the changes in our lives.

Some people felt sorry for me after I gave birth to my son with Down syndrome because they thought his birth would change my life in negative ways. More than likely, they thought that if they were in my situation, they’d feel that his birth and subsequent life would have a negative impact on their own lives. One comment I received was that the idea of life-long care for a child would be too much. That’s never bothered me. Honestly, when my son was born I was so thankful he was alive and didn’t have any health problems that nothing else mattered. Perhaps, he will need to live with me for the duration of his time in mortality. If that’s the case, I’m fine with that. Perhaps, he will be able to live on his own but with close supervision. That’s okay, too. As he matures, we may need to move to another area that will offer him more opportunities. Again, I can deal with that. I am confident that Heavenly Father will provide a way for my son to thrive in mortality as long as I’m willing to accept those changes that may be required in my own life. I can’t change the fact that my son has an extra chromosome, but I can absolutely choose how I will react to it. In truth, my son is such a wonderful part of my family, it isn’t really a trial or challenge to have him.

When my sister-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was amazed at how she chose to react to the life-altering news. She had such faith and trust in Heavenly Father. She was never bitter and never asked why she’d been given that trial. She accepted it and lived the rest of her life with grace and faith. After her death, her husband came to visit our family. He told us that he missed her, but he wasn’t angry. He wished she was still with him, but he didn’t feel bad that she died because he knew, and still knows, he’ll be with her again someday. Her long illness and death certainly brought a drastic change to her family, but her husband and children all turned to God and put their faith in His plan.

I was so excited to give birth to my first child. I’d anticipated his birth for nine months and I was thrilled to be a mother for the first time. Though I was happy about having this new baby in my life, I did have to adjust to caring for him. Since
I was nursing him, I had to feed him every few hours around the clock, something I’d never done before. Suddenly, I had a child that depended on me for his very existence. My husband helped a great deal, but try as he might, he couldn’t lactate. Only I could provide sustenance for my new baby and some nights, it was hard to be so exhausted and still feed him.

Though some of the changes in our lives such as marriage, birth of a child, going off to college, or serving a mission may be positive, they can still require an adjustment period. Whenever things change, even if they’re for the good, it can be hard to adjust to those changes. Staying close to Heavenly Father through prayer, and putting our faith and trust in Him, will help us accept and adjust to changes more easily. As we seek to have His peace in our lives, we will be able to deal with the constant changes.

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